The Big 12 Days of Christmas: A Summary of West Virginia Football

On the first day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me: A team without an identity

 

On the second day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me: 2 years of losing

And a team without an identity

 

On the third day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me:

3 terrible quarterbacks

2 years of losing

And a team without an identity

 

On the fourth day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me:

4 wins this season

3 terrible quarterbacks

2 years of losing

And a team without an identity

 

On the fifth day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me:

5 blowout losses

4 wins this season

3 terrible quarterbacks

2 years of losing

And a team without an identity

 

On the sixth day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me:

6 second half leads blown

5 blowout losses

4 wins this season

3 terrible quarterbacks

2 years of losing

And a team without an identity

 

On the seventh day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me:

7 painful losses

6 second half leads blown

5 blowout losses

4 wins this season

3 terrible quarterbacks

2 years of losing

And a team without an identity

 

On the eighth day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me

                                                          8 Noon Kick-offs

7 painful losses

6 second half leads blown

5 blowout losses

4 wins this season

3 terrible quarterbacks

2 years of losing

And a team without an identity

 

On the ninth day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me:

9 headsets broken

8 Noon Kick-offs

7 painful losses

6 second half leads blown

5 blowout losses

4 wins this season

3 terrible quarterbacks

2 years of losing

And a team with no identity

 

On the tenth day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me:

10-times the travel

9 headsets broken

8 Noon Kick-offs

7 painful losses

6 second half leads blown

5 blowout losses

4 wins this season

3 terrible quarterbacks

2 years of losing

And a team with no identity

 

On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me:

11 bowl streak ended

10 times the travel

9 headsets broken

8 Noon Kick-offs

7 painful losses

6 second half leads blown

5 blowout losses

4 wins this season

3 terrible quarterbacks

2 years of losing

And a team with no identity

On the twelfth day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me:

12 ugly black polo’s

11 bowl streak ended

10 times the travel

9 headsets broken

8 Noon Kick-offs

7 painful losses

6 second half leads blown

5 blowout losses

4 wins this season

3 terrible quarterbacks

2 years of losing…

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AND A TEAM WITH NO IDENTITY 

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What Four Year Olds Think of Justin Bieber

Today, I went to church with my parents for the first time in months. It was the same as always: complete with preaching, teaching, and a million little kids. I’m indifferent about the first two, but the third always gets me- I love interacting with young children. Something about a child’s pure innocence to the devilish world makes me wish for hope in the future generations. I wish I could return to that age and just remain their forever. If only I had a time machine…

I enjoy carrying conversation with young kids. They are so very blunt about everything, and it’s awesome. There is no such thing as censorship to them. It’s not a “My tummy hurts!” It’s an “I gotta poop!” If mommy looks fat, by god Jack jr. is going to say it. These favorable qualities in the children at church led me to the topic of this post- Justin Bieber.

While in a discussion about the young boys’ choice of style on this particular day (as interesting as it was, see below, age ranges 4-6,) I stated that the hats make them look like mini Justin Timberlake’s.  They snickered, saying that JT “wishes he looked like us.” That comment was followed quickly by an “At least we don’t look like Justin Bieber!” jab. My attention was immediately grabbed. What did these boys, the most innocent of minds, think about every straight teenage boy’s biggest enemy? I had to find out

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I threw on my investigative journalism pants and went to work. Interviewing a four year old is not as easy as it looks, which I learned soon after asking the first question. Turns out the answering a question with a fart sound does not accurately answer a question concerning the Biebs (or does it?) Would the pure honesty of childhood fail?

Of course not.  The boys riddled off answers left and right:

What’s your favorite song by Justin Bieber?

The one where he doesn’t sing.

Would you like to meet him?

I’d rather meet Justin Beaver!

No. We’d rather meet Phineas. 

Why don’t you like him?

He wears ugly clothes and is ugly.

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Fair point.

One question I posed seemed to send the boys into a pensive state:

If you could tell Justin one thing, what would it be?

Ummmm….uhh….ummmm…

To buy us a Nintendo DS!

Well then. The truth comes out. They not only dislike him for being a terrible musical artist, but also for not using his wealth to buy them all new Gameboys.  Justin, if you’re reading- take this plea to heart. Buy some kids a DS for Christmas. It could help with Selena.

And boys. Thank you for brightening my day. Have yourselves a merry little Christmas. I hope you get your new DS’s. If you don’t, let me know. We’ll get a hold of Justin Beaver.

My Darkest Secret

Everyone has secrets they’ve kept inside themselves for years. I have many, but one stands out more than the others. Some secrets are harmless and some are earth shattering– but the secret I am about to divulge would be considered the greatest of all. I’ve kept this inside for many years.

In pre-school, the caretakers place a big emphasis on teaching the children to be independent enough for public school. Students are slowly removed from their hawk-eyed mothers and given their first dose of the real world, complete with horridly annoying peers and authoritative figures that have no right to take care of you. This would be my downfall.

My teacher, whose name I do not remember (it’s been 15 years, man,) laid out the cots and turned off the lights for nap time. As I slowly descended in the peaceful lands of 3 year-old dreams, I felt a strain in my bladder. I had to pee. I was unsure of what I should do. I could either try and sleep it off, or break the rules and risk a “red light” by going to pee- a predicament not suited for a three year olds judgment. I decided it was time to go.

I low crawled across the room in an attempt to avoid catching my teacher’s attention, not realizing that she herself was asleep until I noticed the drool running down her face- a common side effect of me passing women. I pulled myself up and scurried to the bathroom, feeling the pee make its way into my urethra. This was going to be close.

I flung the bathroom door open and barrel-rolled into the nearest stall. Instead of simply ripping my pants off (another side effect of my proximity to women), I tried the whole “unzip the pants and finagle the lil’ salamander through the hole” technique. To my dismay, it didn’t work. I froze, allowing the warmth to course through my jeans.

 

Not only had pants full of pee, but I had to explain to my teacher why I had pants full of pee.

 

I ended up getting the red light. It was a tough day. I have been holding this inside for too long. Don’t be like me- tell someone a secret today.