The Big 12 Days of Christmas: A Summary of West Virginia Football

On the first day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me: A team without an identity

 

On the second day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me: 2 years of losing

And a team without an identity

 

On the third day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me:

3 terrible quarterbacks

2 years of losing

And a team without an identity

 

On the fourth day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me:

4 wins this season

3 terrible quarterbacks

2 years of losing

And a team without an identity

 

On the fifth day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me:

5 blowout losses

4 wins this season

3 terrible quarterbacks

2 years of losing

And a team without an identity

 

On the sixth day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me:

6 second half leads blown

5 blowout losses

4 wins this season

3 terrible quarterbacks

2 years of losing

And a team without an identity

 

On the seventh day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me:

7 painful losses

6 second half leads blown

5 blowout losses

4 wins this season

3 terrible quarterbacks

2 years of losing

And a team without an identity

 

On the eighth day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me

                                                          8 Noon Kick-offs

7 painful losses

6 second half leads blown

5 blowout losses

4 wins this season

3 terrible quarterbacks

2 years of losing

And a team without an identity

 

On the ninth day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me:

9 headsets broken

8 Noon Kick-offs

7 painful losses

6 second half leads blown

5 blowout losses

4 wins this season

3 terrible quarterbacks

2 years of losing

And a team with no identity

 

On the tenth day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me:

10-times the travel

9 headsets broken

8 Noon Kick-offs

7 painful losses

6 second half leads blown

5 blowout losses

4 wins this season

3 terrible quarterbacks

2 years of losing

And a team with no identity

 

On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me:

11 bowl streak ended

10 times the travel

9 headsets broken

8 Noon Kick-offs

7 painful losses

6 second half leads blown

5 blowout losses

4 wins this season

3 terrible quarterbacks

2 years of losing

And a team with no identity

On the twelfth day of Christmas, the Big 12 sent to me:

12 ugly black polo’s

11 bowl streak ended

10 times the travel

9 headsets broken

8 Noon Kick-offs

7 painful losses

6 second half leads blown

5 blowout losses

4 wins this season

3 terrible quarterbacks

2 years of losing…

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AND A TEAM WITH NO IDENTITY 

What Four Year Olds Think of Justin Bieber

Today, I went to church with my parents for the first time in months. It was the same as always: complete with preaching, teaching, and a million little kids. I’m indifferent about the first two, but the third always gets me- I love interacting with young children. Something about a child’s pure innocence to the devilish world makes me wish for hope in the future generations. I wish I could return to that age and just remain their forever. If only I had a time machine…

I enjoy carrying conversation with young kids. They are so very blunt about everything, and it’s awesome. There is no such thing as censorship to them. It’s not a “My tummy hurts!” It’s an “I gotta poop!” If mommy looks fat, by god Jack jr. is going to say it. These favorable qualities in the children at church led me to the topic of this post- Justin Bieber.

While in a discussion about the young boys’ choice of style on this particular day (as interesting as it was, see below, age ranges 4-6,) I stated that the hats make them look like mini Justin Timberlake’s.  They snickered, saying that JT “wishes he looked like us.” That comment was followed quickly by an “At least we don’t look like Justin Bieber!” jab. My attention was immediately grabbed. What did these boys, the most innocent of minds, think about every straight teenage boy’s biggest enemy? I had to find out

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I threw on my investigative journalism pants and went to work. Interviewing a four year old is not as easy as it looks, which I learned soon after asking the first question. Turns out the answering a question with a fart sound does not accurately answer a question concerning the Biebs (or does it?) Would the pure honesty of childhood fail?

Of course not.  The boys riddled off answers left and right:

What’s your favorite song by Justin Bieber?

The one where he doesn’t sing.

Would you like to meet him?

I’d rather meet Justin Beaver!

No. We’d rather meet Phineas. 

Why don’t you like him?

He wears ugly clothes and is ugly.

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Fair point.

One question I posed seemed to send the boys into a pensive state:

If you could tell Justin one thing, what would it be?

Ummmm….uhh….ummmm…

To buy us a Nintendo DS!

Well then. The truth comes out. They not only dislike him for being a terrible musical artist, but also for not using his wealth to buy them all new Gameboys.  Justin, if you’re reading- take this plea to heart. Buy some kids a DS for Christmas. It could help with Selena.

And boys. Thank you for brightening my day. Have yourselves a merry little Christmas. I hope you get your new DS’s. If you don’t, let me know. We’ll get a hold of Justin Beaver.

My Darkest Secret

Everyone has secrets they’ve kept inside themselves for years. I have many, but one stands out more than the others. Some secrets are harmless and some are earth shattering– but the secret I am about to divulge would be considered the greatest of all. I’ve kept this inside for many years.

In pre-school, the caretakers place a big emphasis on teaching the children to be independent enough for public school. Students are slowly removed from their hawk-eyed mothers and given their first dose of the real world, complete with horridly annoying peers and authoritative figures that have no right to take care of you. This would be my downfall.

My teacher, whose name I do not remember (it’s been 15 years, man,) laid out the cots and turned off the lights for nap time. As I slowly descended in the peaceful lands of 3 year-old dreams, I felt a strain in my bladder. I had to pee. I was unsure of what I should do. I could either try and sleep it off, or break the rules and risk a “red light” by going to pee- a predicament not suited for a three year olds judgment. I decided it was time to go.

I low crawled across the room in an attempt to avoid catching my teacher’s attention, not realizing that she herself was asleep until I noticed the drool running down her face- a common side effect of me passing women. I pulled myself up and scurried to the bathroom, feeling the pee make its way into my urethra. This was going to be close.

I flung the bathroom door open and barrel-rolled into the nearest stall. Instead of simply ripping my pants off (another side effect of my proximity to women), I tried the whole “unzip the pants and finagle the lil’ salamander through the hole” technique. To my dismay, it didn’t work. I froze, allowing the warmth to course through my jeans.

 

Not only had pants full of pee, but I had to explain to my teacher why I had pants full of pee.

 

I ended up getting the red light. It was a tough day. I have been holding this inside for too long. Don’t be like me- tell someone a secret today.

It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a strange holiday to me. I understand the historical significance of America’s evil imperialistic twin being born, but I don’t quite understand why that has translated in to what it is today. But hey! This is America, and we can do whatever the f—k we want! So we fatten ourselves with turkey, discuss our distant relatives and the reasons for their excommunication from the family, and always deal with that annoying family member whom you wish would be excommunicated.  A good time.

That being said, I like Thanksgiving. It allows me to take a step back and take a look at what I am thankful for on this holiday, and on every day. I have a lot of things to be thankful for, so in lieu of a cliché Instagram picture or Facebook status that most of my peers have decided to resort to, I am going to let you read them.  (if you were to ask my mom, she’d expect the post to stop here.)

    

     My Family

This is a tough one for me. I definitely do not always get along with my immediate family, but they are good to me. Without my mom, I probably would have enjoyed high school a little more, but I also wouldn’t have had nearly the benefits I got while we were there together. I also wouldn’t have had the “push” to give even the smallest effort. My dad is the man. He puts up with mom! SIMPLY AMAZING.

My sister is way better than me in anything that she does, and she is really good in school to be an animator. You can watch that progress here.

     

     The Pittsburg Pirates Making the Playoffs

      A big one for me. For the first time in twenty years, the team I love so dearly finally had a winning record. The Pirates made the playoffs, and I went to the insane wildcard game. After their elimination, I was also graced with my second favorite athlete, Andrew Mccutchen, winning the MVP award. I distinctly remember where I was when the Pirates clinched the winning record; I was in my dorm room loaning a Hawaiian shirt to one of my floor mates in exchange for a shot of the finest liquor WVU has to offer. Oh, college.

  

      My Friends

     I love these guys. My two best friends from when I was a young lad, Tony Hayes and John Bowman, are awesome. Although John can be tremendously annoying and Tony can be tremendously douche-baggy, we have a bond that cannot be broken. We have done some of the dumbest things in the world, but also some of the most fun.  My newer friends also are very important- Mike Swisher being one of the most. I have also made many friends in college, which leads us to the next item….

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     The Pride of West Virginia

     I was very skeptical when I decided to try out for the Mountaineer Marching Band. I didn’t want to have anything to do with band in college. I was so band-ed out, I just wanted to relax. My wonderful girlfriend tried out for the WVU Color Guard, and I wanted to spend time with her- so I tried out. That was the best decision of my college life. The places I’ve gone and the people I’ve met are great. I’ve gone to Oklahoma City and St. Louis, seen the Mountaineer football team suck from field level, and befriended a few awesome people, the Gloryhounds! I never thought I’d enjoy it this much.

    

     Lebron James

      I love Lebron. He has it figured out, man. The guy is just a winner. He’s the best basketball player to ever play the game, and he’s one of the most outgoing people I’ve ever seen. He straight embarrassed Jason Terry last season, and that was awesome.

     

     My Cat

      My real best friend is my cat, Night Rider. The guy has been there for me. He always knows exactly what to say. (watch that video.)

     

     America

       We live in the greatest country in the world, and people seem to forget that. We can wake up in the morning and not worry about starving, being shot (unless you live in Morgantown), or being eaten by rabid wolves.

 

Before this day is over, take a step back and think about what you’re thankful for. I’m sure you’ll be surprised. Happy Thanksgiving!

The Day Erin Andrews Blocked Me on Twitter

      July 30th, 2013 is a day that will descend into the annals of time as one of the darkest in recorded history. No one important lost their life that day, nor did they endure a cataclysmic event unrivaled by the days of past generations. Kanye didn’t even interrupt any award shows. July 30th was the day I was blocked on Twitter by Erin Andrews.

      The day started as a normal summer day, with me waking up entirely too early to go to work. I was optimistic on what the day would hold. Well, I must add that my level of optimism was about as high as any eighteen-year-old boy working a 9-5 in the middle of the summer. I work(ed) in an IT department, so I spent some time with computers (when I say some time, I mean 9-5) and with computers comes internet. With internet comes mindless wandering through the web, and with that comes articles like this.

      I was taken aback by Thompson’s stance on the subject of Johnny Football. Instead of painting him as the gifted but spoiled athlete that he is, Thompson took a drastically different route- he DEFENDED Johnny and touched on the fact he faces a lot of pressure. Manziel begged his father for a new Mercedes, and when the answer was no things took a turn- Johnny declared that if his father did not purchase him the car, he would use his high profile status to illegally obtain one. How can anyone, especially a lead ESPN journalist, defend that behavior? Beats me.

   

     I logged onto twitter to check on the lives of the people I hate the most when I noticed an Erin Andrews tweet promoting Thompson’s article. I decided to reply to her tweet and share my feelings, something we Generation Me kids are good at (thanks for the name, Time- it fits.) A few moments later my phone started vibrating more than, well, you know. This appeared:  

 

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     She even read my bio! I’m glad she had the time out of her busy schedule.

 

 

     Now don’t get me wrong Erin, but I’m pretty sure you’re not any more qualified than I in ability to judge gifted writers.Image

 

 

     Also, I am serious about studying journalism in college. Unlike you, I actually am majoring in Journalism. Why? Because I want to be a journalist. Not just television (and hotel) eye candy.

  

     Her response led me to a myriad of emotions. I was originally embarrassed, but then I quickly realized she misinterpreted the tweet. I obviously was talking about Johnny, not the writer. Soon after the embarrassment, I became angry. How could she be so incompetent? Not only did I have to deal with her silly reply, but also many people who follow her replies. People began to insult my school choice (WVU. I know, we burn couches and drink- tell me something I don’t know, asshole) and also my personal appearance in my profile picture! I quickly became sad. Erin Andrews had just cyber-bullied me. Can I press charges?

 

  

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      I now see this when I hit the follow button.

   

      Not only was I publicly ridiculed for simply having an opinion that is not far from the norm, I was blocked from following her.  I am quite confused on why I was blocked- why would I want to follow her if I had just been cyber-bullied?! Ah, women and their logic.

     July 30th was a day I will never forget. I am quite certain I will never emotionally recover from the events that transpired. If I can give a simple word of advice, it would be this- Block Erin Andrews. Do not let her hurt you like she hurt me.

Always have a backup

     Sometimes, the second string quarterback is the most important player on the team. The assistant to the regional manager needed.  Your iPhone crashes and you don’t have a backup on your computer. When your original forces have been broken you need some reinforcements, or you’re going to completely crumble. This is a very important life lesson, one that I think many overlook when perceiving the future.

     I had a perfect plan. I had a formulated response to any inquiry a family member, friend, or complete stranger had about my future. I was going to go to the United States Naval Academy and major in Political Science, and upon completion I was going to go to flight school and fly fighter jets for the Navy. I used to sit in the backseat of the family car on the way from church pretending to pull levers, program the computer, and shoot those German bastards out of the sky (I have quite the World War Two obsession, but we’ll get to that another day.) Although the school has roughly a 10% acceptance rate, I felt I was going to be guaranteed a spot. I had never really been rejected for something based on my credentials, assuming 8th grade relationships don’t count.

      It was until very late in my senior year of high school that the admissions office decided to tell me I was not accepted. This left me with no time to explore other schools before making my decision. I badly want(ed) out of close proximity to my home, but I had not formulated a back up plan. I was so sure of myself that I was seemingly assured nothing could happen to me. I go to school 15 minutes from home. Just what I wanted.

      I’m not writing this to receive sympathy. Quite frankly, I don’t want to hear your shit about how only the spoiled brats get in or how they made some grave mistake. They didn’t. They were right. I’m writing this in hopes that people, kids especially will understand the magnitude of assumptions and how incorrect assumptions can turn your entire life around. You’ve got to work for the things you want. I didn’t. I sat back comfortably, thinking my mediocre physical prowess was good enough- thinking that I got good enough grades even though they weren’t all A’s. NO ONE IS GUARANTEED ANYTHING. I promise you that fact.

    No matter how good you think you are, no matter how set on a plan you are, no matter what- always have a backup.

 

    You’ll never know when you need it. 

Journalism 115 Assignment/#CDCprobz

     In my Journalism 115 “orientation” class at West Virginia University, we were assigned to make a blog and post our weekly news article reaction paper in it. I already had the blog, but here’s the paper. Feel free to critique in any way possible. 

Here’s the link to the article at hand: http://mag.newsweek.com/2013/10/18/antibiotics.html

 

     

     The article being slightly over-analyzed this week comes from the famous Newsweek. Titled “The Drugs Don’t Work” (I beg to differ in that regard) it speaks of the overuse of antibiotics in America. If you were previously unaware, overuse of the same antibiotics will cause the bacteria to mutate into a parasite immune to the drug. This is very scary concept that Americans continue to ignore.

     Kurt Eichenwald does a fantastic job scaring the reader in this one. The article begins speaking of an 11 year old girl, Tonya Rerecic, and her seemingly harmless illness. The young girl had developed an immunity to the drugs she was taking, and eventually ended up in the hospital for five months.  Sounds like a poke at pathos to me. That heartwarming story leads into various quotes stated by famous medical innovators, none more alarming than spoken by the inventor of Penicillin, Alexander Fleming: “”the misuse of penicillin could be the propagation of mutant forms of bacteria that would resist the new miracle drug.”

     This piece is written well, as all major news outlet stories typically are. It does not have any hidden political meaning or subliminal message- it just speaks of the doomsday the United States of America is heading for if we do not halt this madness. Written simply for the sole purpose of informing the public, Eichenwald does a tremendous job in keeping his own opinion out of the commentary. We as Americans love our fat beef just as much as the rest of the world, but we are seemingly ignoring the fact that faster production does not equate to safer. As discussed, Europe has all but halted their use of antibiotic drugs on livestock, and will be amassing the remains of our bacteria stricken bodies in a short time, possibly using our limbs as fertilizer for their goats to graze on. We as a nation didn’t fight the Revolutionary War to end up like this. We must stand up against the tyranny of antibiotics, and strike down a revolt before it begins.

     The article was written soundly, with many facts and little based on fleeting opinions. Finding an article so pure had to have been difficult in the days of phonies corrupting the information world. For that I commend you, Mr. Eichenwald. 

Terrible Poetry

     Every time I read contemporary poems, I wonder how in the hell anyone thought that they were good.  In turn, I have decided to write my own modern masterpiece. 

 

 

 

     As the clock ticks, my heart beats slowly

     Like the leaves in fall, I’m dead and lowly

     Love is a mystery yet to be solved,

     Leaving broken, battered hearts with no resolve.

    

     Red, the color of blood,

     Brown, the color of mud,

     One can only fall,

     Hopelessly to the ground.

 

     Cold, beaten, and alone

     Months go by, I simply moan,

     Like the wind as it blows

     The snow comes in droves.

 

     A warmth, I start to feel

     Could this be real

     As leaves start to bud,

     My love grows.

   

      The sun is shining,

      Similarly my love

      I’ve figured out the secret,

      My heart is fluttering, as a dove.

 

     Soon, the leaves turn,

     As do my feelings

     The cycle is complete,

     Love is a trick, not a treat.

 

 

I tried, ha. 

Why, Miley, Why

     Currently, I am sitting in one of the biggest wastes of time I’ve ever experienced in my time here subjected to the rigors of earth- Psychology 101 at West Virginia University. That being the case, I’ve decided to take the time to convey to you my thoughts on one of the most respected, introverted, and modest pop stars on the scene; Miley Cyrus. 

     Over the past few months Miley has seemingly lost her grip on her former self, Hannah Montana, and taken on the attitude in vogue with young adults these days- just not giving a f**k. Why has she done this, you say? Many plausible causes have been thrown out by the media, but no one really knows. I can only assume her genetically achy-breaky heart had finally broken, and she turned to foam fingers to satisfy her desires ( you won’t have to worry about sharp fingernails, ladies,) and tonguing every camera in sight. The girl is livin’ the dream, and the public doesn’t seem to quite understand that. 

     All of the controversy stems from two things; Miley’s VMA performance with Robin Thicke, and her new music video, We Can’t Stop. Both of these things have a few things in common: Miley is nearly naked, Miley is twerking, and Miley is singing pretty damn well. Parents say that she is too risqué and that she is causing problems with what kids can watch. I don’t seem to understand why parents would allow their children to watch the VMAs in the first place, but who am I to judge? Even members to the famed Today Show cast have stated incessantly that she is crossing the line. The public outcry against Cyrus is very strong- and they’re right, but not for the right reasons. 

     Miley is trying to get attention. “Haters” and fans alike share that common fact. What they do not share, though, is the reason why she wants the attention. Many shallow moms and television show hosts will take the easy way out, claiming that she tries to get attention through immaturity- but I believe it is something totally different. If you actually listen to the lyrics in the recordings and don’t just look at her ass (which is defiantly a challenge on most occasions,) you will her a common theme among the music. Miley is preaching love and acceptance for all. In her twerk-tastic We Can’t Stop, there is a line that stands out among the rest: “Only God can judge ya, forget the haters, cause somebody loves ya.” This screams the same popular adage that adults today hound us with- “Be yourself, you’re special.” But adults say she’s too slutty. The inner Miley Cyrus could very well be a slut, but I think it’s more- Miley is using her body as an attention grabber to her mission: No matter who you are, what you do, or what you’ve done, it will be O.K. You can make it through as long as you stick to your believes. The next time someone insults you, don’t take it to heart- be you. Just listen to Miley, and it’ll all twerk out.