We all have one of those friends who just happen to have a favorite sports team that has won a championship in the last 10 years. It’s just the way it works. Watching sports with them is very difficult to do because they always reference the fact that the Yankees have won 27 championships (most before they were born, I might add,) or how no matter how good Peyton Manning looked this year, Farve will always be better. The Lakers fans from Virginia, the Argentina fans from the United States… What a coincidence, right? I’m writing this to give some tips to the guys like me (whose teams have never won a championship in their lifetime) on watching the game in the company of a band-wagoner.
The reason I feel so strongly about this is due to one of my best friends, Tony. He puts on his nice guy persona around family and friends, but his true friends know he is morally detestable for many reasons (most that I will not divulge at this time,) but one that trumps most others- he fits the “band-wagoner” stereotype to a t. He happens to be a fan of Duke basketball, the New England Patriots, and the New York Yankees.
What a damn shame.
Regardless, here are a few things I do to make watching sports with Tony tolerable.
Reference the worst moment in school/team history
This one is one of the easiest (and best,) ways to piss off your friend and start enjoying a game that only a few moments ago was painful to watch. For example, Tony gives me a very easy one every time he watches Duke. Any time a Duke player does something that excites, I pipe up and say “Man Tony, that Duke guy really RAPED him” in reference to the Duke lacrosse scandal a few years ago. It usually starts an hour long tirade about how the players were found not guilty and that it doesn’t relate at all to the sport at hand, but it’s worth hearing that over the sounds of Kermit the Frog himself, Dick Vitale. The Patriots scored a touchdown? They must have recorded the other team’s practice.
Pick out one of the worst players and make crazy comparisons
A close second to terrible team history, this one is sometimes much more entertaining. If the Yankees are playing the Angles, throw in a “Man, I think that Erick Aybar had a better career, pound for pound, than Jeter.” Don’t just stick to opposing teams, either. You think Swaggy P should start over Kobe? Make it known. He’s a better jump shooter anyways.
Make up dumb fake trades
Doing this takes a certain level of knowledge of the league, but if you know it- fire away. Lebron to the Bucks for the Greek Freak and OJ Mayo? I could see it.
Manning for Blaine Gabbert, straight up? Yep.
Whenever you do this, always make sure you include that you heard this reported somewhere. It makes it even more fun to watch your bandwagon buddy explore the Twitter-sphere angrily.
Above all, always make sure to keep a cool head when watching sports with your bandwagon buddy. The last thing you want to do is hurt each other, whether it be physically or emotionally.
Leave that to the Duke Lacrosse team.