My Darkest Secret

Everyone has secrets they’ve kept inside themselves for years. I have many, but one stands out more than the others. Some secrets are harmless and some are earth shattering– but the secret I am about to divulge would be considered the greatest of all. I’ve kept this inside for many years.

In pre-school, the caretakers place a big emphasis on teaching the children to be independent enough for public school. Students are slowly removed from their hawk-eyed mothers and given their first dose of the real world, complete with horridly annoying peers and authoritative figures that have no right to take care of you. This would be my downfall.

My teacher, whose name I do not remember (it’s been 15 years, man,) laid out the cots and turned off the lights for nap time. As I slowly descended in the peaceful lands of 3 year-old dreams, I felt a strain in my bladder. I had to pee. I was unsure of what I should do. I could either try and sleep it off, or break the rules and risk a “red light” by going to pee- a predicament not suited for a three year olds judgment. I decided it was time to go.

I low crawled across the room in an attempt to avoid catching my teacher’s attention, not realizing that she herself was asleep until I noticed the drool running down her face- a common side effect of me passing women. I pulled myself up and scurried to the bathroom, feeling the pee make its way into my urethra. This was going to be close.

I flung the bathroom door open and barrel-rolled into the nearest stall. Instead of simply ripping my pants off (another side effect of my proximity to women), I tried the whole “unzip the pants and finagle the lil’ salamander through the hole” technique. To my dismay, it didn’t work. I froze, allowing the warmth to course through my jeans.


Not only had pants full of pee, but I had to explain to my teacher why I had pants full of pee.


I ended up getting the red light. It was a tough day. I have been holding this inside for too long. Don’t be like me- tell someone a secret today.